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I am celebrating three months of being sober and seeking guidance on helping my eleven-year-old autistic son. Through rehabilitation and support groups, I've achieved this milestone, although my drinking intensified during the past two years. Previously, I was alcohol-free for the first six years of his life.

The Effect of Past Struggles

In the final stages, my alcohol consumption was non-stop, and my son saw me unstable and miserable. He took on a sense of responsibility, thinking he was the sole person who could prevent me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am utterly ashamed about this. I have often told him that I alone can control my behavior.

He lived with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is supportive of my recovery. He returned back in with me when he started secondary school in September. Confidence between us is gradually building as he observes that I am not drinking and devoting all my effort into getting better.

Present Challenges and Feelings

He remains overly watchful and worried about my well-being. This means, he is very restrictive of my movements—in part due to fear about my drinking, but also because he is on the spectrum and uneasy about anything unpredictable. I am working on self-assurance and limits; it would be easy to give in to his requests, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I reached out to family support while in treatment, and we are awaiting assistance for my son from nearby substance abuse support. In the meantime, I feel really at sea about how to communicate with him. I aim not to make him upset, but I also wish not to ignore the previous events. In what way do we move forward?

Professional Advice on Healing

Young ones require a sense of secure, particularly after chaotic times when they were uncertain if their caregiver could keep them secure. They might feel worried about bringing up these topics now. Kids often think things are their fault—taking the blame rather than their parents, as the alternative feels too threatening. Autism can exacerbate these emotions.

Individuals in the midst of addiction often make apologies they might not be able to fulfill. This makes it difficult for loved ones to determine what to believe.

It's common for those in addiction to offer apologies they cannot uphold. As a result, family can find it hard to trust them. Along with boundaries, it's very important to be reliable and show your son that situations have improved, rather than just saying him.

Practical Actions for Communication and Assistance

Focus on him adjusting at school and establish a solid schedule. Then, introduce the idea that any topic is forbidden—if you're open to it. Mealtimes can be a good time to chat, as can parallel activities like strolling or driving, since they require minimal eye contact, which individuals find too intense. Maybe there's an hobby you and your son enjoy doing together? Don't think "we must talk," but seek opportunities for dialogue and let them occur naturally. Additionally, think about your son's preferred way of expressing himself—it might not be talking; it could be written, or a combination of both.

It's essential for him to know that his refuge besides home might be with his dad. You should not take it personally if he chooses to go there at times. It doesn't mean you've done poorly—this is a process that won't be linear.

Distinguishing Personal Needs from His

It's vital to separate your needs from your son's. Make sure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—for your own relief—because you cannot do that via your son. You can concentrate more effectively on what he requires if you have strong assistance yourself.

You are making really well. Keep going.